watch the gap

I think I have officially earned myself the worst blogger award. I've really been meaning to update but the flow of life here leads me the other way! All the same, I'm happy to be writing another post to inform everyone and remind myself of the things I'm learning and my day to day life here at Kalani.

Last we left off was a clear-minded Sunday. Sunday always starts off with Ecstatic Dance, which is like church to a group of locals and some volunteers. This particular morning I came just in time for the 'Invocation'; one person leads the group in and inspirational moment. Similar to a short sermon or query, it provides something to focus on, to uplift and unite the group before the journey of Ecstatic Dance. The DJ for the event led it this time and began talking about the stages of his ecstatic dance music set. Five levels: flowing, staccato, chaos, lyrical, stillness. Different music and rhythms for each stage, aiming to change your brain waves and give you a transformational experience. To close the invocation, we held hands to acknowledge the safe, loving, and inspiring space we were creating. My experience improved by far. The first week I found myself really focused on appearance...how do I look? who's watching me? what is everyone else doing? are people moving away from me? All the while attempting to look totally into it -definitely not the point of ecstatic dance. This week I found myself closing my eyes more, really listening to the music and what I felt I wanted to do. If I moved into a space and didn't feel right, just move somewhere else, if I didn't feel like dancing I'd go meditate until the music was too good not to dance. One of my favorite songs he played was 'There's a Healin' Goin' On' by Jami Lula - so soulful and engaging! I left feeling accomplished and refreshed- no visions of my higher self or divine experiences but with a little more freedom in my bones.

On Tuesday night I attended another very special event, the Women's Circle, held on the New Moon by Hanna (who was originally my official buddy but since then we've grown to be friends). Amanda, Meaghan, and I walked over to the sweat lodge nervously afraid we'd break out in giggles mid-circle but were immediately entranced by the peacefulness and safety of the sweat lodge. Mats were arranged around a stone circle which held candles and a couple sprawling vines. Tea lights winked in the eaves and music lightly played as Hanna welcomed us. We passed around some chocolate to start the circle off on a light mood and then began with sharing. A talking stick was passed around the circle, when we received it we were to say 'I am (name), and I will speak', once we spoke we were to close with, 'I am (name) and I have spoken.' The twelve of us shared and truly shared. There were people who talked about what painful things were being brought up by focusing on themselves at Kalani, others shared how beautiful they felt their lives were, others didn't speak but contributed with their presence. We then read aloud manifestations. Manifestation is a process in which you believe that something will happen and then it does. It's surprisingly popular and effective especially in such a energetically powerful place as Hawaii.  We all read them at the same time, voices folding over one another, all at once listening to everyone and listening to no one, our voices slowly dropped out leaving a silence vibrating with the future. Lastly to close the circle we passed around tarot cards. I got Trust: Seven of Wands which is supposed to mean trust in the spiritual world...hm...

I've continued to attend yoga classes, shivananda hatha, yojana, kunalini, learning more about my body and my spirit each time. Questions come up; why am I so antsy? why is my mind wandering? I dive deeper. The other day I was feeling in a lull, tired from work, the long weekend, deprived, disappointed I wasn't moving forward as quickly as when I first came and then I went to Vinyasa. I felt at home, I breathed deeply, and connected again to myself that feeling has flowed over into today. I'm ready for more rejuvenation and feeling the momentum building again for change and growth. 

Kalani has pushed me on this personal journey whether I want to be on it or not. Writing in my journal this morning I noted how sometimes I felt I wanted to be home because it was so easy, you can go by a day emotionally unnoticed, without having a real conversation, float by with 'I'm fine' and 'Just tired'. Here everyday is out in the open, people sense if you're down and want to talk and explore it. There are no distractions from yourself. So although it's an easy lifestyle (pool, delicious food everyday, beautiful island, yoga classes galore) the inner journey has been grueling. But the rewards have been worth it. I feel more myself everyday, more love, more gratefulness.

And I'll leave you with a cliffhanger: a Hawaiian Halloweeenn!

Much Aloha,
Hannah